Brianna: “Since I missed out on so much as a child, I made the choice that I would live for my own happiness at a very young age”

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Hello, I'm Brianna from Melbourne, Australia. I come from a very dysfunctional family. All of my six cousins and my younger brother have had children with partners they weren't fully committed to, and at a very young age (below 25). Some tried to work it out, some didn't. They all have very low incomes, or are living off welfare.

My mother and father divorced when I was eight. My father was never much of a father, even after the divorce, and my mother is still mentally ill from her past and continues to fool medical professionals to this day.

She suffered PPD after many miscarriages and a stillborn. She paid a lot of money to have myself and my brother through fertility treatment, as my father was infertile.

I didn't have a great childhood. My mother tried her best, but we went without on a regular basis. She was very constrictive and controlling. I didn't fit in at school, as I was the poor one, and everyone knew it. I had to work lunchtimes at the school canteen to get a feed. At 16, I had to pay for half of my school camp fees from my part time job and pay registration on a car that I couldn't drive unsupervised, because my mother couldn't afford it.

Since I missed out on so much as a child, I made the choice that I would live for my own happiness at a very young age. I got educated, got out of the rural area I grew up in that had no career opportunities, kept out of trouble and worked hard.

My life at 24 is finally starting to get on track. I have a lovely fiance with Aspergers who shares my feelings on children, I have a great job in a government department and I can comfortably afford a lifestyle with a few extra perks like dinners out and nice holidays.

My fears of becoming a mother mainly stem from my upbringing, and the financial responsibility behind that, but my other reasons include: Fearing I would replicate my mother's actions with my children, not wanting to destroy my body, not wanting additional responsibility (enjoying my freedom), enjoying working and having my own funds, not wanting sleepless nights, being knee deep in poop, pee, vomit, and generally not liking children anyway.

Society is slowly but surely moving away from the notion that a women's worth is only in her children, and it's about time. Self care is not selfish.–Brianna

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Renee: “I wonder if my mother-in-law secretly wonders what's wrong with me”

I'm 39, and I'm still resolutely staying with my IUD, and do not want a baby.

I'm married, and my mother-in-law is Cuban. My husband is the only bio-child of the family, so there used to be some pressure in the past to have kids. My mother-in-law would say, "When you have kids..." when I was engaged to David 5 years ago. I had to tell her several times over the years that I was pretty sure I didn't want kids, and her son was fine with that.

I wonder sometimes if she (and my other relatives) secretly wonder what's wrong with me, but they are polite enough the drop the topic now, and apply the pressure for more babies to my sister-in-law. 

I like my life; I like freedom, having the money to travel, and having time to read, play piano, and go for runs and take care of myself. I like being an aunt, but feel no desire to have my own child. I'm much more at peace with this, which is a hard-earned victory after roughly 7 years of feeling embarrassed and defensive about my vision for my life. –Renee

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Sarah: "I feel like having kids would ruin everything"

I was always a child to be playing with dolls and prams and nappies etc. I never thought I'd get married and have kids, though.

I've always been careful but there was a time not long ago I was very un-careful. I fell pregnant and after some thinking, decided to get an abortion. As soon as I came round I never regretted it.
I felt childfree before that but since I have been more determined with it. I am 25 and though I know I'm young, I know I don't want kids.

I also know I won't be taken seriously. 

I have only just decided on the career I want to pursue, which is nursing and I want to travel to a few places. I also know that I enjoy my free time, being introverted, I love sleep, and I love time with my partner.

I feel like having kids would ruin everything.

I have felt broody a few times, but it's fantasy. When I look at the reality of having kids it really helps me away from the broodiness.

I'm confident that in ten years, no matter where I am in my life, whether I'm a nurse, whether I'm married to my current partner or someone else, I will still be adamantly childfree.

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Julie: "Often I sit in a foreign country on our travels, lovely husband by my side, wine in hand, and I thank me for being smart"

JulieChildfree

61 y.o. Gold Coast ex-entertainer. Vintage fashion tragic & Francophile. Married happily in January '18, for 40 years. Much to the horror of some , anger of some, and envy of some, I and I alone chose not to have children. Or did I? At no time in my life did it enter my head to give birth. Maternal instinct was tested when a lovely friend asked me to be her birthing partner. "I know you will never be a mum, I would like you to have this experience." Quoting A Chorus Line "Nothing. I felt nothing!" Beautiful baby, an exciting cesarean op to see. Nothing! We lost friends...they were told we weren't suitable to be around...not a good influence. With others, they said we had nothing in common anymore or nothing to offer...not being parents and all.

Any regrets? Mmmm...let me see...Adult children who won't leave home. 
Daughters who didn't listen and have produced numerous offspring in a single mother situation. Drug/Alcohol abuse that has become the "should be retired" parents' problem to deal with...etc.

Regrets...never.

Even the pitying glance when mentioning that you didn't procreate makes me smile. Often I sit in a foreign country on our travels, lovely husband by my side, wine in hand, I thank me for being smart. "You would be such a great mother"...in some one else's dream.

Mother of none. –Julie

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Catherine: "My mother had an opportunity to finally be herself, not someone's obedient wife, labouring mother, or dutiful daughter, just herself"

I am 49 and child free. This is probably due to circumstance, rather than choice. I say circumstance because I never persevered with any of the unhealthy relationships I had with men. I did go through a few years of wanting children but I took a clinical approach to my clucky emotions. I recognised that these feelings were merely biological instincts, common to all animal species. Although I had those feelings, it didn't mean I had to act on them. And so I waited for the feelings to pass and they did. Now I am grateful I never had children. In fact, I feel blessed to be child free.

I have always believed that having children by conscious choice is the ultimate in selfish behaviour and that insufficient thought is given to this important decision. I think it's strange that people think it is a self-less act, as if there is some foetus knocking on the front door begging to be let in and the mother, selflessly acquiesces with a long exhausted sigh and says "okay" and takes the parasite in and lets it feed off her for 9 months before she gives birth to it and is then trapped in motherhood legally for the next 18 years, usually for the term of her natural life.

Fortunately for me neither friends nor family have ever questioned my decision to not seek the experience of motherhood. To be honest, I have difficulty comprehending how some women become so fixated on motherhood, as if the very possession of a uterus means that one absolutely must procreate. As if, by becoming a biological mother, they have won a gold medal in the motherhood stakes. As if, by not using the uterus for its intended purpose, they are somehow a failure.

Being child free has given me freedom. The sort of freedom that my mother never had. Many years ago when I was living in the UK my mother came to visit me for 3 months. She said it was the most wonderful thing in the world to have such freedom. An opportunity to finally be herself, not someone's obedient wife, not someone's labouring mother, not someone's dutiful daughter, just herself; to eat dinner when she felt like it; sleep in until she felt like; and do whatever she pleased without restriction. 

I don't want my mother's life, bound and trapped in motherhood. I want freedom, choice, and an opportunity to be me. –Catherine Uí Néill, Melbourne, Australia

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Betty: "We all know that the Mom does the drudgery. If I could have been a Dad I might reconsider."

I grew up in an Ohio town where the norm is to marry your high school boyfriend and have kids by the time you're old enough to drink. I no longer live there. I'm a Christian, and so many in the church perceived the "be fruitful and multiply" to be a generalized command, rather than an optional blessing.

I never wanted kids. I felt called to write, to work in music and nonprofit. I am introverted, with adult ADD. If I took on the assumed calling to be a Mom, it would certainly jeopardize my confirmed calling, which is to be a writer. Because quite frankly we all know that the Mom does the drudgery. If I could have been a dad I might reconsider.

There's a Bible passage where Jesus is teaching a crowd, and a woman in the back interrupts him saying "Blessed is your Mom!" Jesus replied, "even more blessed are those who hear God's word and do it." Being a Mom is not the most important job in the world. The most important job is the one you were created for and give yourself wholeheartedly to. Am I selfish? No. I lack peers, friends, the ability to have a lasting conversation with anyone my age (38) because we share little common ground. Not creating new people has left me with few people to talk to.

I made my choice to be sterilized so that I could stay up odd hours, dive in to a songwriting binge in hopes that maybe one day someone who I'll never meet hears the song, and it's raw honestly, and feels like they aren't alone. And that stranger who I nurture from afar will not take care of me when I become elderly. –Betty

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Hannah: "We're incredibly in love & incredibly happy the way our lives are, so why change it?"

Deciding not to have children, for me, was an easier decision than most of my friends & family want to believe. Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a mom, but at 31, my attitude drastically changed & I'm lucky that I'm with someone who feels the same way as I do.

Our views on procreation can make life lonely as we're at that special age where our friends & families lives are consumed with first having children & then raising them. Conversations centre on their hectic lives as parents or questions of "when are you having children," & the subsequent shocked induced "why not?" 

Our decision to not have children is simply based on the fact that we're incredibly in love & incredibly happy the way our lives are, so why change it? We both work regular jobs & enjoy spending time together but also alone. A normal day for us is work, dinner, walk the dog, an hour or so of personal time & an hour or so of time together & repeat. We hope to be able to retire a little earlier & explore the world we live in. Simple. We often ask ourselves, "Where would children fit into our life"?

The question is; why should choosing not to have children deem one as being selfish?

I don't think selfish is a bad word, but an empowering one. One that says take control of your life & do what makes you happy. Everyone's version of happiness is different, for some it's having children for other's it's not & those decisions, of what makes you happy, shouldn't be questioned or chastised.

I'm proud of the life I've built & the choices I've made to get there, & if that makes me a selfish person than so be it. I'll happily wear that hat as I drink my glass (heck my bottle if I want to) of wine, read a good book next to my partner as they read theirs & make plans for a wonderful future together without children but hopefully full of happiness & love. –Hannah Stevens in Alberta, Canada

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M J Aslin: "I hate 'childless.' It sounds like I have lost something, but if anything I have gained much more by not having children"

I am a 36-year-old female from Nottingham, England.

I have never felt maternal or broody, never saw myself with Children and never interested in having any. 

As it turns out I can't have children anyway. I had Endometriosis for 10 years and then had a hysterectomy when I was 26. I love my life. I also hate the phrase Childless. It sounds like I have lost something, but I haven't–if anything I have gained much more by not having children, so if I have to have a title (which I hate) then call me a non-parent

I have many children in my life and I love them dearly and enjoy being with them, for a few hours and then hand them back to their parents.

I love travelling with my husband, I love having a meal with my husband or friends, and I love being able to have a full conversation–something that I find almost impossible with my friends who have children. I often feel "in the way" if I visit my friends at home and their children are there. My friends are bust tidying up, doing house jobs, talking to and shouting at their children, feeding them or playing with them etc whilst I am there trying to have a conversation with them. I find it frustrating and find myself organising Adult time with my friends which often means meeting in a coffee shop for an hour without a child, and then arranging family time with them and their children where no conversations really happen. 

Most of my friends with children complain about the children and how hard it is looking after them, and I want to shout: "Did you not think about this before having them?" Seriously, who thinks being a parent is going to be easy?

I tell them that is one reason I don't have them....too much hard work and too much responsibility–at least I am honest. I like my life without Children. –M J Aslin

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Jess: "I had my tubes tied when I was in my mid-20's. I had a hysterectomy at age 36 which was the best thing I've ever done."

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There's never been a time in my life when I've wanted to have my own children. Since I was a teenager I knew I didn't want kids and I had my tubes tied when I was in my mid-20's. I had a hysterectomy at age 36 which was the best thing I've ever done.

When I was younger, people said I'd change my mind, but I never have and I've never regretted it for one minute. My life is so fulfilling with the volunteer work I do for different charities, through looking after my cats and hens who I consider my non-human children and travelling the world with my husband. Also, it's wonderful to be able to do things spontaneously without having to consider the needs of a child.

The odd time I've thought that perhaps if I was ever super rich I would adopt a child, but I don't feel that not having a child leaves an empty space in my life. For anyone to think that being child free is selfish I would ask them why do they have kids? Who does it benefit to bring children into the world? Children don't ask to be born and there are a lot of people who suffer greatly through life. I would never want to bring a child into a world that is already over populated with humans; a world that can be very harsh and cruel.

I do believe that some people have children through pressure from family or society or because they feel that 'it's just what you do.' For anyone thinking that they must have kids even though they really don't want to, I say don't do it! It will be the best thing you've never done! –Jess W

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Eleni: "People don't often talk about the downsides to being a parent in a way that sounds real"

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When I was younger, I always assumed that I was destined to be a parent. I wasn't good at very much, but anyone could be a parent, right? All the years between the age of about 14 and 22 revolved around not making plans for my future, since I knew I was going to be a parent, and I knew I wasn't cut out to "have it all". 

Discovering my first childfree forum was baffling. I didn't understand how anyone could not want kids, and it took a lot of reading to start to realise that many of them raised excellent points about the hardships of parenting that I couldn't answer. So I started researching. Up until that point, I'd only been looking at one small part of parenting – the fun, snuggly part. It's scary how little I actually knew! People don't often talk about the downsides to being a parent in a way that sounds real, it's always laughed off as "so worth it." And I'm sure it is to some. But I quickly came to doubt that it would be for me. I'm simply not cut out for the bad parts.

I distinctly remember the night that all my remaining doubts vanished. I was browsing a confessions website and came across a story posted by the mother of a severely disabled adult child. Her husband had bailed, her son had the mental capacity of a toddler and she spent her days caring for him. Her whole life was gone, nothing left but fear for what might happen to her child when she eventually died. 

Making the decision final changed my life. I'm no more intelligent or talented than before, but there's nothing stopping me from trying, no reason to give anything up if I succeed, no one to worry about but myself if I fail. It's been very freeing.

I get asked sometimes "What if you regret this?" but, honestly, there's a chance for regret in any of the decisions we make. All anyone can do it figure out what feels right to us and hope it works out. – Eleni Fraser

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Gretchen: "The only thing I want in my uterus is tumbleweed...and my IUD"

I like to say that the only thing I want in my uterus is tumbleweed...and my IUD. I'm forty-six, financially stable and in a long-term strong marriage, but there's no way I'd bear a child, and I've known that since my late twenties.

I share some reasons for not wanting to bear children with others. Like many, I'm terribly concerned about the environmental impact of children, especially in the Western world. We are severely overpopulated now, and I can't contribute to that in good faith. And because environmental impacts are changing the planet, I also fear the kind of world I would be handing over, the irreparable damage I would be leaving my child to grapple with. 

My quality of life is lovely and balanced now, too. I enjoy the work I do as a writer and activist. My work as an animal advocate is essential for me. I also thrive on quality time with my husband and friends. And I love the fact that we have the time, money, and flexibility to travel internationally, adopt numerous rescue animals, make significant donations to worthy causes, take in art and performance, relax deeply, and support others in need. 

But the most important reason I will not have kids is an unusual one, though I'm always puzzled that it's atypical. It is simply this: While many feel that the joys of life balance out the pain—at least at certain times of their lives—others simply do not. We wake up day after day after day and deal with what we are handed and what we create. For some, these factors make life itself deeply burdensome. Whatever the cause, the struggle can cause people to lash out at each other, to close off to themselves or others, to end their own lives, to feel profound loneliness, to suffer. 
Because there is no way to determine whether a child of my body would want to be here, I simply cannot make that enormous choice. It would be hubris for me to think I should dictate that he or she must BE, must spend 90 years grappling with life, because I said so. – Gretchen Primack

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